


Never On the Move

by J (jaywright)



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: M/M, Ocean Emotions, Religion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:35:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26077312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaywright/pseuds/J
Summary: "Uk'otoa is not the sea.  It existed long before him, and will exist long after he's gone.  It belongs to the Wildmother.  As do you."
Relationships: Caduceus Clay/Fjord
Comments: 11
Kudos: 93





	Never On the Move

**Author's Note:**

> "I'm gonna make you a fan of water before your life is done, I swear." - Fjord (C2E40)
> 
> set sometime during C2E99

The stars were a swirl of light above them as Caduceus let his head tip back, one moon casting light down in their direction, shimmering against the sea around them, the other a faint glow in its wake. There was an unfamiliar burning under his skin as he rowed, a stretch of muscles he never used, but it felt satisfying and productive in a way that made him wonder if this might be the appeal of the morning workouts that Fjord and Beauregard did.

He tilted his head back down to look at Fjord, opening his mouth to ask, but Fjord was already watching him intently.

"I appreciate this," he said before Caduceus could speak. "You accompanying me. You didn't have to, you know."

"I know," Caduceus replied easily. He stretched his shoulders. "I can't say that any of us would have been entirely comfortable watching you go off on your own," he didn't say _after the attack_ , but he knew that Fjord heard it, "but if that had been what you needed, we would have let you. I'm glad you asked for company instead."

Fjord gave a low laugh. "I would have had at least one suspicious looking seagull circling over me, wouldn't I?"

Caduceus grinned. "Probably, yeah." 

Fjord gave a half smile, looking faintly embarrassed. He stopped rowing finally, the lights of the Ball Eater and the rest of the ships still bright but distant along the horizon. Caduceus stopped as well, and the tender spun into a slow drift in the middle of the sea. "It sounds strange, I know," Fjord said, "missing something that's surrounding you. But there's been so much else to think about since we left port that I feel like I've been…distracted. Disconnected. Like I haven't had a moment to just enjoy being at sea."

"No, it makes sense," Caduceus said. "Like being lonely in a crowd of people."

Fjord blinked at him before nodding slowly. "Huh," he said. "I hadn't thought of it like that, but…yeah. Kinda." He reached down to undo his boots and kicked them off before turning in his seat, shifting sideways and letting his legs dangle off the edge of the boat. Caduceus reached out a flailing arm to steady them, but Fjord leaned back, balancing them with practiced ease. "I've got this," he assured Caduceus. He kicked his feet in the water, sloshing gently, and tilted his head to peer at Caduceus like he was trying to look through him. "Is that how you still feel?" he asked. "With us?"

"Oh." Caduceus blinked, thinking over his last words and feeling himself flush a little at the rawness of the implication. "No," he assured Fjord. "I don't know that I ever felt like that with you." He didn't elaborate further, leaving the _you_ ambiguous, letting Fjord decide if he meant with him or with the Mighty Nein.

"Ah." Fjord stretched out further, curling his arms behind his neck and pillowing his head against them, looking up at the stars. "Good."

Caduceus leaned back as well, keeping his limbs firmly inside the boat, but looking up to the sky. It was easy to feel the Mother here, to feel Her touch in the gentle swell of the sea beneath them, the cool breeze that lifted his hair from his shoulders, the simple comfort of Fjord across from him. "I think," he said carefully, "I'm beginning to understand."

He didn't take his eyes from the heavens, but he heard the soft shift of Fjord turning to look at him. "What's that?"

"Why this means so much to you."

He heard Fjord let out a slow breath. "I know you'll never love it as I do," he said.

"No," Caduceus agreed. "I won't. In the same way you'll never love my grove like I do. But I feel Her here. And I think that you always have as well."

Fjord was silent for a long moment. "Do you think it works like that?" he asked, and Caduceus felt a swell of pride at the way he phrased it in terms of Caduceus's own beliefs, rather than as a question with a concrete answer. "That She was here for me before I ever knew about Her?"

"She's here for all of us," Caduceus replied. "Whether we decide to be here for Her in return is our own path to choose."

"That's…oddly comforting," Fjord mused. "Also a little terrifying."

Caduceus made a wordless sound somewhere between agreement and amusement. "Yeah. Religion."

Fjord laughed, and Caduceus dropped his eyes to him in time to see one of Fjord's hands come down from behind his head and trace the seaweed along the edge of his crest contemplatively. "I will admit," he said after some time had passed, "that I had another reason for wanting this. To feel the sea. To be near it."

"Oh?" Caduceus asked. "And what was that?"

"I worry…" Fjord said hesitantly, and trailed off. He let out a deep sigh and sat back up, retrieving his feet from the water and settling them dripping onto the planks of the boat. "I worry that I'm beginning to fear it."

Caduceus nodded. "It'd be understandable," he said. "Anyone who's choked up as much of it as you have might start having a bit of an aversion."

Fjord laughed, low and bitter. "Yeah," he agreed. 

"And when your return is met with a reception of…well." Caduceus had been planning to say _people trying to kill you,_ but the words froze on his tongue at the memory that they had succeeded. The image of Fjord's lifeless body sprawled on the deck of the ship was still too clear and present in his mind to give voice to the thought. 

"Yeah," Fjord repeated hollowly.

"But," Caduceus said, and leaned forward across the small boat, taking Fjord's hands in his. Fjord looked down at them instead of at Caduceus, wrapping his fingers into Caduceus's touch, holding on to him. "There is one very important thing that you should remember."

"What's that?" Fjord asked, his eyes flickering up to meet Caduceus's gaze. 

"Uk'otoa is not the sea," Caduceus said. "The sea is not Uk'otoa. It existed long before him, and will exist long after he's gone. It belongs to the Wildmother." He tightened his fingers around Fjord's. "As do you."

Fjord swallowed tightly. He nodded slowly, his brow furrowing a little as he considered Caduceus's words. "She protected me," he said. "Not in the way I would have expected." His expression went distant in a way that made Caduceus want to extract his hand from Fjord's grasp and reach to cup his face, to brush a thumb over his cheek and remind him with warmth and touch that he was still alive. His eyes refocused on Caduceus. "But you were there to bring me back." 

Caduceus nodded. "I was," he agreed simply. There were too many other thoughts swirling in his mind to put words to any of them, but that seemed to work for Fjord, who was pulling back, extracting his fingers from Caduceus's, his expression clearing a little. 

A slow smile spread across his face as he looked out over the sea around them, and when he turned back to Caduceus, his grin was almost wicked. "I'm going in."

"You – " Caduceus said, but Fjord was dropping his coat across the seat and stripping out of his shirt before he could even finish the thought. "Uh." His mind went blank at the sight of Fjord sitting there shirtless across from him, his expression wild and anticipatory in a way that made Caduceus's heart lift. 

He shoved off his trousers and dropped to his knees on the floor of the boat, reaching out with both hands to cup Caduceus's face. Caduceus felt the breath leave him for a moment, thinking that Fjord was going to draw him in for a kiss, but instead he said, "Come with me," his voice low and intense, before dropping his hands from Caduceus's face and launching himself over the edge of the boat into the sea.

He was laughing when he surfaced, his face lit with childish delight, and Caduceus couldn't help letting a matching grin spread across his own face at the sight of him, paddling along beside the boat in his smallclothes, looking as at home as Caduceus had ever seen him.

"Oh, I needed this," Fjord said, letting himself drop back into a float, staring back up at the stars.

Caduceus leaned over the edge of the boat to watch him, letting his hands trail into the water. It was cool and soothing, and he left patterns rippling away from him in the surf as the tender floated lazily and aimlessly alongside Fjord. 

Fjord glanced his way before letting one of his hands drift over to meet Caduceus's, curling around it. "I promise I won't let you go under," he said. "And if you do, you've already got water breathing. You'll be fine." Caduceus hesitated. Fjord dropped his hand and curled his arms over the edge of the boat, resting his chin against them and looking up at Caduceus. "What are you afraid of?"

Caduceus let out a laugh and waved a hand at the expanse of the ocean. "That."

"If the Wildmother sent you to protect me," Fjord said. "What makes you so sure that she hasn't sent me to protect you, too?"

Caduceus looked down at him. Fjord's expression was the same one he used when he was trying to charm a mark. "Oh, you're good," he said.

Fjord grinned. "Is that a yes?"

In answer, Caduceus reached for his shirt, pulling it off. He stripped off his shoes and trousers in little time at all, and then he was left looking helplessly down into the fathomless darkness beneath him. "I…" he said hesitantly. "I don't know how to…"

"Jump." Fjord pushed away from the boat, floating out of his range. Caduceus shivered. "Or," Fjord amended, "sit on the seat and stick your feet in, like I did. And then just kind of shove yourself over the edge."

That sounded more manageable. Caduceus sat carefully back down onto his seat and dangled his legs over the edge. The water was cool but not uncomfortably so, and he closed his eyes and tried to imagine that he was just sitting at the side of a pool, like he would in the hot tub at the Xhorhaus, sipping tea and listening to the others chat around him. Here, though, there was just the breeze, and the sounds of the sea, and the gentle splashing of Fjord waiting for him. 

He whispered a prayer and let himself fall.

Cold enveloped him, and he flailed his limbs until his face broke the surface, gulping in a breath of air. He could feel Fjord's hands against his chest, steadying him, and he shook his head furiously, blinking the water out of his eyes, his hair heavy and clinging.

"Good," Fjord was saying, his voice as gentle and firm as his hands against Caduceus's skin. "You're doing great. The boat's right there if you need to grab onto it, but if you just keep kicking, you should stay where you are." He lifted one of his hands from Caduceus's chest to gather up some of his hair, tucking it behind him. "We should have tied this up before you got in. Here." His hands left Caduceus, and Caduceus flailed. "You're okay," Fjord told him. "I'll be right back." He boosted himself up onto the edge of the boat, one of his hands fumbling with Caduceus's clothes, and in a few seconds he floated back, the lacing from one of the sleeves of his shirt in his hand. "I've got you," he said, whirling around behind Caduceus.

His fingers were confident and warm against Caduceus's scalp and neck as he gathered up his hair, tying it off his neck, and Caduceus felt almost instantly lighter.

"Oh," Caduceus said. He twisted from side to side a little, his arms and legs still flailing wildly beneath him. "That feels much better. Thank you."

"Not a problem," Fjord said. "I used to let my hair grow out while I was out of port. It never got as long as yours, but it'd be long enough sometimes to give me a hassle."

He swung around to Caduceus's front again, settling his hands against his sides, and Caduceus looked at him, trying to imagine longer hair on him, dark and streaked with white, tied back into a loose ponytail like Caleb would do sometimes. He felt his face grow hot at the thought of it.

"That…" he said vaguely. "I would've liked to have seen that."

Fjord grinned, color rising in his cheeks.

Caduceus felt himself relaxing as he paddled, as he slowly became aware that he was managing to hold himself up in the water. He'd practiced a little, early in their sea adventures, and it was nice to realize that he hadn't forgotten everything, that the slow creeping terror of the endless expanse below him wasn't quite enough to freeze all his muscles, to make him forget to move entirely and sink like a stone to the bottom. Fjord's hands against his sides were supportive, but not actually supporting him. They were more distracting than anything, radiating out heat into his body, which had rapidly adjusted to the chill of the water.

"You're doing good," Fjord assured him again, and the points of heat slowly drew away from him, Fjord tipping backward to float on his back again. "Can you do this?" he asked. "Your legs are really long, so you might not be able to. That's okay."

Caduceus tried. He kicked his feet harder, trying to flip his lower half upward, but each time his toes would peek out of the water, they'd sink again as soon as he stopped moving them.

"Here," Fjord said, and started doing a lazy backstroke in circles around him. "Try this."

Caduceus did, tipping onto his back and kicking, stroking occasionally with his arms, and the momentum worked, held him aloft, let him lay back and look at the stars as the water lapped around him.

"Oh," he said, marveling. "This is…wow."

"Yeah," Fjord said dreamily beside him.

They paddled, slowly, lazily, in laps around their boat, looking up into the sky and soaking in the beauty of the world. It was meditative, beautiful, and Caduceus eventually stretched out an arm to take one of Fjord's hands in his, needing to feel him there beside him. Fjord's fingers went tight against his, and then there was a splash as Fjord dropped out of his float, hovering in the water beside Caduceus, looking at him intently.

"Hi," Caduceus said, stilling and treading water much less gracefully beside him.

Fjord's hand lifted to cup Caduceus's face. "Hey," he replied. "I…" he swallowed. "I'm going to say this, and it's going to make for a _very_ awkward row back to the ship if you don't…well. Uh. I." He swallowed. "I want to kiss you."

Caduceus's breath caught in his throat. His mind whirled with thoughts of all the moments when he had kept himself from indulging the same impulse, from leaning in and capturing Fjord's lips with his own when they were talking, or communing, or curling up together for sleep. An endless list of moments, of opportunities that were not so much missed as held. Held for exactly this moment, for the feeling of Fjord's hand spreading warmth through his whole body, the majesty of the sky above them and the sea below them.

"Yes," Caduceus breathed out. "Please."

Fjord's lips were gentle but insistent, and the heat that radiated out from them filled Caduceus's whole body. He let himself melt into it, his legs and one of his arms keeping himself afloat, but his other hand coming up to cup the back of Fjord's neck, pull him in closer. Fjord made a desperate sound against his lips at the touch, and Caduceus let his hand spread out firm and solid against his skin, fingers sinking up into his hair, holding him close as they kissed.

Caduceus lost himself in the taste and feel of Fjord against him until he felt the water reaching their lips. He spluttered, remembering to kick his legs, flail his arms, and he felt Fjord breathe out a laugh against his lips before pulling away. 

"Back to the boat?" Fjord suggested.

"Please," Caduceus said fervently.

Fjord swam ahead of him, doing a lazy backstroke, watching with the fondest expression Caduceus had ever seen as Caduceus struggled his way after him. "Thank you," he said as they neared the tender, and Caduceus raised his eyebrows at him.

"For kissing you?" he asked.

Fjord laughed. "For doing this." He boosted himself effortlessly up out of the water and into the boat. He reached down a hand to grasp Caduceus firmly around the wrist. "For letting me share my part of Her world with you." 

Caduceus scrambled up out of the water and fell against Fjord, both of them tumbling to the floor of the tender in a tangle of limbs. Caduceus went to pick himself up, pushing up off Fjord with a hand against his chest, but Fjord's hand closed around his wrist, holding him close.

"Wait," Fjord said, and his other hand reached up to undo the tie around Caduceus's hair, letting it drop like a curtain around them. His fingers curled around the back of Caduceus's neck, and he dragged him down into an endless, filthy kiss.

Caduceus had no concept of how long they kissed there against the floor of the tender, curled together, hands roaming over expanses of skin. It was Fjord who pulled away finally, a concerned expression taking over his face as he let both his hands rub warmly over Caduceus's back.

"You're shivering," he said.

"Oh," Caduceus replied, taking stock and discovering that he was freezing. "Oh, yeah, I'm cold."

Fjord laughed, leaning up to catch his lips in another kiss, then squirming out from under him. "Come on," he said. "Let's get you warmed up."

There was a thrum of arousal streaking through Caduceus's body, and as he watched Fjord pull his trousers back on, he could see that he was not alone, but the thought of being warm and dry was even more enticing right now, so he let himself sit up and reach for his own clothes. Once they were on, Fjord settled into the floor of the boat again, apparently in no hurry to get back to the ship. His shirt was on, but he was holding his coat in his hands, and as Caduceus settled at his side, Fjord wrapped it around his shoulders, pulling him close.

"Aren't you cold?" Caduceus asked, teeth chattering.

"Nope," Fjord said easily. His hands rubbed warm and soothing over Caduceus's arms before tucking around him inside the coat, pulling him close. "I'll warm you up."

Caduceus grinned and leaned in to claim his lips again, feeling heat gradually suffuse through him as they curled together in the darkness, above the expanse of the sea and beneath the endless canopy of stars and moons.

They rowed back in companionable silence, watching the lights of the ships grow closer and brighter, and it was only when they could make out the shape of the Ball Eater ahead of them that Caduceus found the words that he wanted to say.

"I don't think I'm afraid of the water anymore."

The tender slowed to a crawl, and when he looked up at Fjord, Caduceus could see that the had let his oars go still, one of his hands dropping over the edge of the boat to trail his fingertips into the water. "No," he agreed. His eyes met Caduceus's. "I don't think that I am, either."


End file.
